Random musings

If this is a test, then I’m failing terribly

This is just a random picture I took from the 4th floor of my school library. Totally unrelated to the post

This post has been inspired by Tracey M.

I ask my friend if he’s seeing anyone, he says no… he’s still looking for someone.

So I ask him, what is it he looks for in a girl.

He says, ”God-fearing,” pauses for a few seconds before he says, ” that’s not all, but it fits the beginning if something you would risk your future for…. God is a spirit and he has no earthly form. You cannot describe God as tall, dark or handsome. You cannot say you like his hair or his eyes. To love God is to love who he is. Any girl who can have such a relationship I find attractive.”

Quick Storytime :

I’ve been so angry and frustrated about a lot of things these past few days. The universe. People. Animals. But yesterday I acted totally juvenile. Something out of character for me. I am embarrassed to admit this but my meltdown was caused by someone’s success. Someone who literally went out of their way to make my life difficult and miserable. Someone who’s list of bad behaviour is as long as my own arm. Someone who is selfish and every decision they made hurt the people I love. But what does the universe decide to do? Reward them with something I’ve always wanted. For some reason, that realization sent me right over the edge. Totally.

I was so very furious. The following is an almost exact account of my subsequent conversation with God :

How is that even fair?? I work hard every day of life, at least I try to!! I treat people with kindness and respect and I volunteer, run for charity, go an extra mile, put myself on the line for people I care about on a regular basis, I remember dates, wave to strangers sometimes. How in the world did this happen? Is that how this works?? The bad people get all the wins? Are all my efforts at just being a decent human being wasted energy? I’m so tired! And angry! How did this happen?! ( insert elevated heart beat, tear stained face, furious typing, constant blowing of nose. This was not my finest moment. )

The worst part about all this is, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I know I have been given blessings that I absolutely do not deserve. God has made ways for me more times than I could possible count and I know without doubt, that he still loves me. But, there was just something personal about that particular breakthrough. I just wanted to stop everything; the dreaming, the praying, the struggling, the hoping, the whole being decent and just give up. I went to bed and cried, wasted 15 billion brain cells beating myself up about what it was I was not doing right.

This morning, my conversation with God was more relaxed. I did less talking and more listening. I apologised for being an ungrateful bitch (and the swearing )

I have seen many people win in the past. We all have. You would think we are probably used to that idea by now but I’m obviously not. There are times when good things happen to bad people and that’s just life. So there’s a balance. I look at my life, where I have come from, where I’m going, and I see so much good. Wonderful family. Friends for a lifetime. Good health. Small big wins. I acted like a two-year old throwing tantrums last night; pouting and throwing fit. That much I know.

Now I just need to decide if this is going to be my life or I’m going to rise and continue being the badass that I am. That I was created to be. I need to get over myself and accept that this world is seldom fair. And what God is doing in someone’s life, should not make me frustrated.

The ‘getting over myself’ part feels like this super huge daunting task. I know it shouldn’t be but it does. If this is in anyway a test, then I’m failing terribly. I am not proud of that, but at least I’m transparent in my weakness.

Faith is so easily tested yet despite our shortcomings, his love for us remains. We are not supposed to be perfect, we’re human.
In the grand scheme of things, I know that the breakthrough I got so worked up about doesn’t matter at all. I’m doing my best to remember this.

A lot of you will judge me from this single post and that’s okay.

Random musings

Just another blog post


I’ve been softened and hardened just the same, by love. Its been quite the ride honestly. Love has made me sleep all day because I couldn’t bear the thought of dealing with the day. Love has made me experience the serene, the calm and then the chaos. Love has run through my veins, pumped through my blood, in the tips of my toes and wrapped around my shoulders. It has put me on the highest peak, made my face shine like sunbeams and sparkles, stitched me back together with needle and thread and nursed me back to health. And its because of love I write about you today.

I want to know your birthday and about your parents, their jobs and if you’ve ever had them fighting and what makes you mad, what drives you crazy, what you consider unforgivable and where your mind wanders before you fall asleep, your thought process when things don’t go your way and what makes you cry, why your most important people are your most important people and how you would handle fame, if you follow your heart or head or both when you make decisions and how many siblings you have and if you love them equally or if you love one more than the other and the worst fight you’ve ever gotten into, what you wanted to be when you grew up and when you were seven and what your breaking point is, what was going through your mind when the world was collapsing around you because we all have bad days. I want to know if you like surprises and how your typical weekends look like and how you got that scar on your knee and if you believe in love and fairy tales. I want to know about your dream vacation and the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you and if you think appearances matter in a relationship at all, which holiday which colour is your favorite and if you like coffee or tea or both , with cream or without, sugarless or with sugar and how many spoons of sugar you take in cup of either and if you’ve been to therapy,the hardest decision you ever had to make and if you like what you see when you look in the mirror and if you love and believe in God, your favorite flower, song, books that shook you to your core and in what way they did that and your favorite movie, the hardest you’ve cried, which grandparent you love more and if you’ve ever been let down, your experience through that and if you’re scared of dying or reptiles or darkness, what your favorite restaurant is and if you Like to cook and if you care about neatness and cleanliness, if you believe in love at first sight, fairy tales, sparks, chemistry, and what are your political views, if you’d rather keep a cat or a dog or neither and where you’d like to live and honeymoon, if you’d rather chase momentary happiness than meaning. I want to know what your insecurities are, you personal goals, if you prefer rugby or football or neither and if you like candy gum or sweets and what kind and if you see a future with me…

If it’s not going to be you in the end, I guarantee it won’t be anyone else. I haven’t been able to see how clear my future is until I met you. I prayed for you and I prayed for this; and every time the sun shines the next morning, I am willing to try again.

In other news : 10 little things I’ve done in the name of love

I dressed up whenever there was the smallest chance I would run into you.

I texted you first. Double texted.

I always chose the seat closest to you.

I gave you my phone number.

I compared our hand sizes as an excuse to touch you again.

I stayed up much later than I should have to talk to you.

I used the emoji with the heart eyes.

I complimented you

I answered your texts as quickly as possible.

I told you when little things reminded me of you.

I want to assume you’re going to become my person and just need a little push.

Perfect love is Jesus, God wrapped in human flesh. Perfect Love goes to any length to save and any height to reach. Perfect Love calls the prisoner His brother, redeems him and sets him free

Hugs 💛

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BOOK REVIEW: Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi. A book you need to experience.

Yaa Gyasi needs to write sequels, spinoffs, short stories, ANYTHING, for every single one of the characters in Homegoing.

I started reading this book with a sketchy knowledge of what it was about and who the author was and I literally had to hug myself after I finished the last page. I don’t know how to write this review without giving anything away.

So here goes nothing.

Genre :

Historical fiction.

Blurb :

Effia and Esi: two sisters with very different destinies. One sold into slavery; one a slave traders wife. The consequences of their fate reverberate through the generations that follow: from the Gold coast of Africa ( Ghana ) to the plantations of Mississippi. This is an intense heart breaking story of one family and, through their lives, the story of America itself.

Review :

This mug should tell you how I felt about Homegoing. When people speak about all the things fiction can teach its readers, they are speaking about books like this. Through her words, I came to understand parts of history that are sometimes ignored.

The length of this book spanned over generations and the story about two step sisters; born of the same mother but different fathers, who were separated by circumstances yet share the same plights, death, heartbreak, pain and the burden of being black in the 19th century. They grow up in the rival nations of Asante and Fante.

Each chapter in this book focuses on the experiences of a single character ( who were deep, solid and beautifully presented ) making it more a series of short stories than a novel. The narrative alternates between chapters focusing on Effia’s descendants and chapters focusing on Esi’s descendants.

The plot was amazing and throughout the story, I held my breath trying to imagine how a reunion would be and that feeling was magical. The setting is in Ghana and America. This book explores the culture and tradition of the Fante and Asante

Gyasi details history of human cruelty that we aren’t taught much of in school and how identity, (identity of birth and of extreme discrimination ) is rooted in where you come from, or simply knowing where you come from. The loses sustained by the descendants are deep, shattering and brutal, but this is a novel about endurance, survival and hope beyond the degradation of slavery.

The two lines of descendants are united in the relationship between Marjorie and Marcus. They travel to Africa together where the fears and memories that haunt them are both released.

Fav one lined quotes :

1. Tell a lie long enough and it will turn to be the truth.

2. The Bible is the best poetry there is.

Rating :

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Recommend :

Definitely. As much as its brutal, its teaches about the unapologetic, unquestioning love like that of a stray dog that follows a man home from work every evening, happy,simply,to be allowed to walk nearby. Love that doesn’t require hiding or fighting. A comfortable love.

In other news:

My inner critic is extremely loud today. Life doesn’t slow down and truth is, I feel like I’m failing..

I could list the things that I haven’t accomplished yet and the items that are growing dust on my swelling to do list. I could mourn about opportunities I’ve lost and time I’ve wasted while waiting for the right moment to come. I’ve been telling myself lies.

Maybe sometimes we need to admit our faults and acknowledge that we are work in progress that sometimes feel burnt out as we light the world on fire.

It might feel like failing, but maybe that’s growing.

Also;

When we get flu’s or suffer from Malaria we always eventually recover. The fevers go away as soon the drugs kick in. But when we are struggling with mental health, it doesn’t go away quickly. Mental health is long term.

If you know of someone struggling with anxiety or depression, they need your support. Show them love. Show them compassion. These are things they can get for themselves.

May the week be good to you.

Love and light ❤🌻

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Life update

Post inspired by Colleen.

I will paint you a picture.

My alarm goes off waking me up from a night of tossing and turning. I put on my bulkiest jumper and cap in an attempt to hide the dark bags under my eyes. I apply eye liner and a little lip gloss hoping to hide my exhaustion. I look in the mirror and feel so dissatisfied. I want to cry but I don’t have time to redo my eyes so I think to myself, this is as good as its going to get.

I walk to class, half asleep, and say good morning to my course mates with a charming smile that deceives them into thinking I’m okay. It even surprises me how well I mask the pain with smiles and friendly greetings.

I sit in class writing notes barely listening because my mind is elsewhere. My thoughts are all over the place. I just want to be back in my tiny bed, curled up, hiding from the world. I want to be by myself, in my own lonely world, but I don’t really want to be alone … Not really. I want someone to tell me that its going to be okay, that I’ll be okay, but nobody knows how hard life is for me. Nobody knows that I’m suffering. Nobody knows to ask.

I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends after my lectures but I’m too tired from faking smiles and pretending to be okay all day. I don’t have it in me to make small talk when it feels like my world is caving in on me. I don’t know what to talk about anyways and the stress of figuring that out convinces me to go straight to my room.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I should do something meaningful but I’m overly tired and anxious and exhausted. I feel sad that I feel sad. What is wrong? I have a good life, right? I have friends. I have people who love me and people that I love. On paper, I should be okay. Why isn’t this enough?

I take my clothes off and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I barely recognise the girl staring back at me. I barely know her anymore. I put on my PJs and turn out the lights. I look out of the window because my curtains are not drawn and I see all these stars sparkling delicately at me. Their presence comforts me in a weird way and shows me that something bigger than me is out there protecting me. I know things aren’t going to feel this way forever.

Today was just one day. And one bad day doesn’t mean a bad life.

So I decide to be gentle with myself. I’m doing the best I can and that is enough. I made it through the day. I close my eyes. Tears trickle out the corners of my eye and I let them. Soon things will be better.

I know a lot of us are having a hard day, or a hard month, or maybe even a hard year. And I know that sometimes it’s much easier to let your mind be consumed by the hard stuff than it is to focus on what is good in your life. But for two minutes, while you read this, I want you to try your absolute hardest to focus on the good.

Echoing Colleen’s words, whose words are life;

You might think that you are not able to feel good, or that you do not deserve to feel good. This is wrong. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been. It doesn’t even matter where you are going. What matters is that you don’t have to do anything at all to be worthy of goodness. You don’t have to earn goodness. You don’t have to be a certain way or look a certain way. I want you to realize that you are so valuable and so very loved and that feeling bad or low doesn’t negate how special you are.

I want you to know that you are going to be okay one day soon, and I want you to understand that feeling bad doesn’t make you a bad person. You don’t need to feel guilty for feeling bad. Sometimes when you are feeling your worse, the work happens. You grow and you blossom, and you realize what’s important in the world…and that’s what will lead you out of the darkness and into the light. When you are crying or being too hard on yourself, I want you to take a deep breath in and realize that you don’t have to bully yourself. You don’t have to make yourself feel bad. It’s okay to be gentle. It’s okay to forgive yourself and it’s okay to let yourself rest when you don’t know which direction to go. I want you to learn that you don’t have to do anything or earn anything to be worth a thousand stars. You are worth all of the stars in the sky by just being alive, by just being yourself.

And I know you think that everybody else around you seems to be more successful or more loved. But it’s not true. Not even a little bit. We are all living our own stories. We are all writing and constructing our own plot lines. You can’t compare a sci-fi novel to a romance, so why compare your life to anyone else’s? Why compare your beauty to anyone else’s?

I want you to know that your story is yours for a reason. Your life is yours for a reason. And on the outside, on your story’s cover, you are just as beautiful as every other soul on this earth, because you have your own sparkle in your eyes.

And I want you to know that whether you have one friend or fifteen friends, you are likable and lovable, and you should never doubt it. I want you to know that it’s okay to feel down sometimes. You don’t need to make up for it or fix it. Sometimes you just have to be there in the moment and live through it. But I do hope that if you are having a hard time, you can forgive yourself and share a little love with yourself. I hope you can see that you aren’t doing anything wrong.

In other news;

You can’t see the rainbow unless you’ve weathered the storm. Be gentle with yourself.

Picture from Pintrest

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Its the unexpected love that hits the hardest.

This post is inspired by Adam.

You don’t want to meet someone and swear you’re better off alone. That’s the thing about love, we think its a choice, even when its not. We think we pick who we love and it goes on from there; the rest is history they say. But sometimes, love chooses us whether we like it or not.

Its the unexpected love that hits the hardest.

One day you start off with casual conversation. You text or DM. You talk about the weather and the day and books you’ve read, movies you’ve watched, your writing, feminism, their favorite food and other kinds of mindless conversation. You both have a lot in common. You think they are cute and funny and smart and woke. You think they would be fun to hang out with, maybe even sleep with. But not much has crossed your mind because maybe, just maybe, they aren’t your type. Either that or you aren’t ready.

Then over time, you find yourself thinking about them randomly. You start wondering what they are doing. Who they are with. It then becomes more than a crush. Before you know it they have invaded not just your thoughts, but also your dreams and everything else there is. They pop in your head when you take those online quizzes about your future. Their face is what you see when you listen to these love songs. You think about them when you finish watching dramatic romantic comedies. You see a stupid meme on the internet and think of what their reaction will be.

Your tone changes when you speak about them. You look for any reason to bring them up in a conversation. You become vulnerable with them and its dangerously liberating. You think of them whenever you eat something new and wonder if they can pull it off in their kitchen since they pride themselves so much at how good they cook.

They become the person you want to talk to about your day, good or bad. They let you vent and not feel guilty about it. When you receive good news, they are the people you want to tell before anyone else. You have conversations way into the night. They keep you company. They listen. People see it in your eyes.

Everything with them is easy. They inspire and challenge you. Call you out on your shit without sounding hurtful. They understand and encourage. Its crazy because your conversations somehow changes parts of you and suddenly you now enjoy everything you do. And you fall a little harder, everyday. Then one day you wake up and realise it is them. Its always been them.

What happens when that unexpected love is unrequited? What happens when you realise that you’ve fallen hard and are still firmly in the friendzone? Or worse? Its quite the bite, like some cruel joke the universe is playing on you. You finally tell them how you feel only to find out you’re not the one on their minds? How do you decide what’s hurts worse: letting go of them and moving on or sticking by as a friend and watching them find love? You begin to question yourself and your judgement. You walk around with all these feelings you don’t even know what to do with because the only person you feel something for, is the same person who cannot accept all these intense emotions.

Its the unexpected love that hits the hardest.

They said love was beautiful – it is what you believed in as a child when you watched the movies, saw the magazines or saw older people exchanging glances in a room – you wanted that one day. ~ Marissa D. But what you receive is different.

In a world of 8 billion people and growing, you convince yourself that there’s still someone out there for you. And love is not always beautiful.

The honest truth sometimes is regardless of how good you might be for each other, it just won’t happen. I think there are such things as soulmates not ending up together. And as much as I don’t want to believe that, I think you can go your entire life holding a little piece of your heart for someone else.

Kirsten C.

In other news;

I fell in love with the kindness of a stranger this week. Some people can teach you more within a single day than others could ever teach you in a lifetime.

Featured picture by Craig Dick ~Pintrest

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Yellow

Day 20/21

Boy, oh boy!! Its been a minute! Just hold that thought.

He guessed my favorite colour first try. But honestly between you and me, I didn’t even have a favorite colour until he yelled out yellow. He was excited and smiling like a little child.

So I told him he was right and I haven’t seen yellow the same since. Its in everything..I could probably live in it now.

Can we get this 21 day challenge over and done with already?!

In other news :

Have you been there? Where you have a feeling but with no actual translation for your mind to understand? You’re just where you feel too much and then feel nothing at all? When you want that closeness that will heal your soul and then you want a distance to another galaxy? Its something you can feel, but you can’t recognise, something that pulls at your souls strings, but then pushes you away? You want it all and then you want nothing? You already saw it in his eyes, but you couldn’t catch it, you are haunted by fear that it was only an imagination your desperate need made up. But then again you feel a soul recognition, something you can’t deny yet, you can’t admit?

No one has been there? Just me? Okay.

May the week be good to you reading this ❤

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Book Review : The Zahir by Paulo Coelho

Day 19/21

Do you sometimes get a feeling ” this book was written just for me? ” That is what happened when I started reading the Zahir. It gives you a glimpse of your soul and the interconnectedness of all souls. For, ‘there’s always someone else thinking, rejoicing or suffering in the same way…’

It begins with a glimpse or a passing thought. It ends in obsession. Buckle your seatbelts this may take a second.

The Zahir is a woman.

Genre :

Psychological fiction, novel.

Blurb :

One day, a renowned author discovers that his wife, a war correspondence, has disappeared leaving no trace. Was she kidnapped, blackmailed, or simply bored with their marriage. His search for her – and truth of his own life – takes him from South America, to Spain, France, Croatia and, eventually, the beautiful landscape of Central Asia.

More than that, it leads him to the true understanding of the nature of love, the power of destiny and what it really means to follow your heart.

Review :

” In order to be able to find her, I first had to find myself. “

The Zahir is a tale of freedom, obsession, betrayal, forgiveness, life and love.

A journalist wife, Esther, leaves her husband, an author who is incredibly famous, to find out about herself and how she could reach ultimate happiness, ( something she could not find unless she was in a war zone. ) She says :

” In a warzone, I know that any moment someone could lob a grenade into the place where we are sitting and, that makes me live, do you see? Really live. I mean loving every minute, every second. There is no room for sadness, doubts, nothing. There is just a great love for life. “

Gradually he realises that her disappearance is sort of a message, a challenge to him to rethink his emotions and make them worthy of hers. She becomes the ‘Zahir’ of the title, a blinding obsession.

The search for his wife leads to an adventurous journey of self and unveils the nuances of human existence. He meets Mikhail; a young man who is a friend of Esther, works with unhappily married couples and has his own spiritual perspective on love. As a result, the narrator (who is not named btw ) is introduced to a tribe which has unconventional ways of living and, he realises that to find Esther, he must first find his own self.

Through Mikhail, the narrator learns about Esther’s whereabouts, where she is living a simple life and the journey he sets to, changes his life completely. Will he find Esther? If so, will she accept him back into her life?

This is a must read for the people who are always exploring life and questioning themselves. It provides enough reasoning to figure out your problems. I’ll share a few quotes to strengthen and clear the concept :

When someone leaves, it because someone else is about to arrive.

All you have to do is to pay attention; lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step

It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.

it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

what the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over

Now now, I love Paulo Coelho and his style of writing about perspectives on life but what throws me off this book and even gives me the urgency to be thrown under a bus is how he normalizes infidelity. No. You don’t cheat on your wife and wonder why she left you unhappy. Don’t get me wrong though, this book is more than that.

Halfway, I felt the book had lost its essence because no important action was taking place. I was angry at the ending because it was just so mundane compared to all the build up that led to that moment.

Overall takeaway is that it is interesting and satisfactory.

Recommended :

Its a quick and easy read that would compliment a lazy weekend. A light read, has short paragraphs and amazing quotes. Definitely recommendable.

Rating :

⭐⭐

2/5