This post has been inspired by Tracey M.
I ask my friend if he’s seeing anyone, he says no… he’s still looking for someone.
So I ask him, what is it he looks for in a girl.
He says, ”God-fearing,” pauses for a few seconds before he says, ” that’s not all, but it fits the beginning if something you would risk your future for…. God is a spirit and he has no earthly form. You cannot describe God as tall, dark or handsome. You cannot say you like his hair or his eyes. To love God is to love who he is. Any girl who can have such a relationship I find attractive.”
Quick Storytime :
I’ve been so angry and frustrated about a lot of things these past few days. The universe. People. Animals. But yesterday I acted totally juvenile. Something out of character for me. I am embarrassed to admit this but my meltdown was caused by someone’s success. Someone who literally went out of their way to make my life difficult and miserable. Someone who’s list of bad behaviour is as long as my own arm. Someone who is selfish and every decision they made hurt the people I love. But what does the universe decide to do? Reward them with something I’ve always wanted. For some reason, that realization sent me right over the edge. Totally.
I was so very furious. The following is an almost exact account of my subsequent conversation with God :
How is that even fair?? I work hard every day of life, at least I try to!! I treat people with kindness and respect and I volunteer, run for charity, go an extra mile, put myself on the line for people I care about on a regular basis, I remember dates, wave to strangers sometimes. How in the world did this happen? Is that how this works?? The bad people get all the wins? Are all my efforts at just being a decent human being wasted energy? I’m so tired! And angry! How did this happen?! ( insert elevated heart beat, tear stained face, furious typing, constant blowing of nose. This was not my finest moment. )
The worst part about all this is, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I know I have been given blessings that I absolutely do not deserve. God has made ways for me more times than I could possible count and I know without doubt, that he still loves me. But, there was just something personal about that particular breakthrough. I just wanted to stop everything; the dreaming, the praying, the struggling, the hoping, the whole being decent and just give up. I went to bed and cried, wasted 15 billion brain cells beating myself up about what it was I was not doing right.
This morning, my conversation with God was more relaxed. I did less talking and more listening. I apologised for being an ungrateful bitch (and the swearing )
I have seen many people win in the past. We all have. You would think we are probably used to that idea by now but I’m obviously not. There are times when good things happen to bad people and that’s just life. So there’s a balance. I look at my life, where I have come from, where I’m going, and I see so much good. Wonderful family. Friends for a lifetime. Good health. Small big wins. I acted like a two-year old throwing tantrums last night; pouting and throwing fit. That much I know.
Now I just need to decide if this is going to be my life or I’m going to rise and continue being the badass that I am. That I was created to be. I need to get over myself and accept that this world is seldom fair. And what God is doing in someone’s life, should not make me frustrated.
The ‘getting over myself’ part feels like this super huge daunting task. I know it shouldn’t be but it does. If this is in anyway a test, then I’m failing terribly. I am not proud of that, but at least I’m transparent in my weakness.
Faith is so easily tested yet despite our shortcomings, his love for us remains. We are not supposed to be perfect, we’re human.
In the grand scheme of things, I know that the breakthrough I got so worked up about doesn’t matter at all. I’m doing my best to remember this.
A lot of you will judge me from this single post and that’s okay.